Staying safe after you have left an abusive relationship

Silent 999 calls

If you're in danger, call 999 and try to speak to the operator if you can, even by whispering. You may also be asked to cough or tap the keys on your phone to answer questions. 

• Calling from a mobile - If you don't speak or answer questions, press 55 or tap when prompted and your call will be transferred to the police. The police will usually be able to find your location. If you don't press 55 or respond, your call could be ended.
• Calling from a landline - If you don't speak or answer questions and the operator can only hear background noise, they'll transfer your call to the police. If you replace the handset, the landline may remain connected for 45 seconds in case you pick it up again. Calling 999 from a landline automatically gives the police information about your location.

Text 999

To access this service you will first need to register your phone.

1. Send the word ‘register’ in a SMS message to 999
2. You will then receive a text message with a link explaining more about this service
3. Once you have read that information, reply ‘yes’ in a SMS message to 999
4. You will then receive a confirmation SMS telling you that your phone is registered with the service or telling you if there is a problem with your registration. 

*Please be aware that the text service may take longer than a normal 999 call and should only be used as a last resort, for example if calling 999 and talking out loud would put you in further danger.

999 BSL

If you are deaf or hard of hearing and use British Sign Language (BSL) to communicate, download the 999 BSL app to your phone or visit 999 BSL

Abusers can use child contact and handovers as a means to control and intimidate you. Here is some general advice on how to stay safe during child contact. 

• Ask a third party to help facilitate handovers if needed.
• Think about where handovers will occur - a public place where other people are present is safer than isolated areas.
• Let someone know where you will be and check in once you are safe.
• Use a code word system so you can notify a trusted person if you need help.
• When making child contact arrangements try to communicate by text or email where possible, so there is a record of what was agreed.
• Avoid allowing you abuser to visit the children in your home. Home should be your safe space.
• If contact is via video call, encourage your child/ren to sit in a comfy space for the call, rather than walking around.

You can do some basic safety planning with children, depending on their age. 

• Speak to the school - there may be support available for your child
• Help them to identify safe grown-ups they can talk to about their feelings.
• Rehearse escape routes with children. You might prefer to practice this as 'what to do if there is a fire' or a more general 'emergency plan'.
• Help them identify a safe room they can go to if they are scared. In that room make them a 'safe space' with resources they can use, such as stuffed toys, music, or other calming activities.
• If they are old enough to call 999 make sure they know how to do this and that they can give your home address.
• If children walk to school alone, encourage them to stick to main roads and avoid isolated areas. Ask them to text you to let you know when they get there and when they are leaving.
• For children age 13-19 years, consider referring them for specialist support from STREET.

• Turn off location tracking on your device, or for specific apps.
• Set your social media profiles to private.
• Do not accept friend requests from people you don't know in real life.
• Avoid posting pictures of where you are in real time, or sharing upcoming plans on social media.
• Change your social media passwords regularly. Use three random words which have no connection to you e.g. 'PurpleTableSquare'. Do not share your passwords with anyone.
• Change passwords on other online accounts too, such as online banking, Amazon, Spotify, LinkedIn, Deliveroo, Uber etc.
• Check your devices for any unknown apps which might be tracking or mirroring your activity. Check children's devices too, especially if they go back and forth during child contact. 

Use Refuge's Digital Break Up Guide for more advice on electronic safety