Domestic abuse myths
Outdated stereotypes, misunderstandings and untruths have helped create enduring myths about domestic abuse. These myths aren't just unhelpful, they can be dangerous because they can prevent people from understanding if abuse is taking place or reaching out for help.
We want to change that at GDASS, so it's time to flush away the myths about abusive relationships and behaviour.
Myths about abusive relationships
If someone stays in an abusive relationship, it can't be that bad.
The truth is...
There are many reasons why someone might stay in an abusive relationship such as:
- They may not know how to spot the signs of an unhealthy relationship and may think abusive behaviour is ‘normal’.
- They may have been isolated from friends and family.
- They may fear they will not be able to see their children or fear for their safety if they leave.
- They may have limited or no access to money to enable them to get away from the abuser.
- They may fear being made homeless if they leave.
- They may have been threatened with violence if they try to leave.
It's not abuse if you aren't hit or physically hurt in some way.
The truth is...
- Domestic abuse is not confined to physical harm
- Abusive behaviour can include violent or threatening behaviour, controlling or coercive behaviour, economic abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse or psychological abuse.
If you are unsure as to whether you are experiencing any type of abuse, you can refer yourself into GDASS and someone will call you back to discuss your situation.
When someone is being jealous it just means that they're into you.
The truth is...
- It can be normal to be protective of a partner or feel a little bit jealous when they do things without you, but extreme jealousy can be a sign of coercive and controlling behaviour.
- Controlling behaviour may include checking someone's private messages with or without their knowledge, limiting who they spend time with, not allowing someone to socialise alone or checking on someone's whereabouts constantly when they are away from home.
Myths about the causes of domestic abuse
Victims of domestic abuse bring it on themselves.
The truth is...
- Domestic abuse is never the victim's fault.
Alcohol and drugs make people violent.
The truth is...
- While alcohol or drug use can intensify violence and abuse, it is not the root cause.
- People can be violent when not under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
- Blaming domestic abuse on drugs or alcohol allows the perpetrators to avoid responsibility for their actions.
Abusive people have a mental illness.
The truth is...
- Most people who abuse their partner are not mentally ill.
- If an abusive person were mentally ill; they would not only harm their partner, they would also act out against others too.
- People who are experiencing mental ill health should seek support and deserve help.
- Having a mental health condition does not excuse abusive behaviour.
Myths about reporting domestic abuse
Nobody will believe it is abuse.
The truth is...
- GDASS staff are experienced in recognising the signs of domestic abuse regardless of the gender, sexuality, age, cultural or religious background of victims or perpetrators.
- GDASS will listen to your experiences and can provide guidance as to whether what you are experiencing is domestic abuse. We are working with local government, health and police services across Gloucestershire to increase awareness about domestic abuse and the signs that it is taking place.
Survivors must be sober themselves for their trauma to be legitimate.
The truth is...
- Some people who are experiencing domestic abuse may turn to alcohol or drugs as a coping mechanism.
- In some cases, the survivors of domestic abuse may continue to drink or take drugs to manage their trauma.
Myths about rape and sexual assault
If the victim did not scream or run away this means they have consented.
The truth is...
- It is common for people experiencing sexual assault to find themselves unable to move or speak. This does not mean that the encounter was consensual.
A sexual assault or rape will always leave visible injuries on the victim.
The truth is...
- Not all victims of sexual assault will incur physical injuries, but the experience may well leave long-lasting emotional or psychological wounds.
Sexual assault and rape only occur when physical force is used.
The truth is...
- Coercion and manipulation can be used without physical force to make someone take part in sex and sexual activity without their consent.
Experiencing an orgasm or arousal during a sexual assault means they enjoyed it.
The truth is...
- Bodies can become stimulated as an automatic response to sexual activity. Despite this, if there was no consent it is still a sexual assault.
It is not rape if you are married or in a relationship.
The truth is...
- Rape can occur between married couples or those in other relationships. The only factor that counts is whether both parties consented to sex.
Myths about gender and domestic abuse
Women exaggerate or make up stories about sexual assault and violence.
The truth is...
- There is no evidence which suggests that lying about experiencing sexual assault is commonplace.
- Home Office research suggests that only 4% of cases of sexual violence reported to the UK police are found or suspected to be false.
- Fact-checkers at Channel 4 confirmed that men in England and Wales are more likely to be sexually assaulted rather than be falsely accused of rape.
Women cannot be domestic abusers.
The truth is...
- Women can perpetrate abuse; research by Stonewall found that one in four lesbian and bisexual women have experienced abuse in a relationship and that two thirds of them said the perpetrator was a woman.
Men don't experience domestic abuse, they only perpetrate abuse.
The truth is...
- Whilst domestic abuse is a gendered crime largely effecting women and perpetrated by men, we know that men also experience domestic abuse.
- In fact, around one in six men in the UK will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. This abuse can be perpetrated by both male or female partners, ex-partners or family members.
- Research also tells us Gay, Bisexual or Trans (GBT) men are more likely to be the victims of domestic abuse than heterosexual men. Men with disabilities are more likely to be victims of domestic abuse than non-disabled men.
Men should be able to defend or protect themselves.
The truth is...
- This myth plays on stereotypes around masculinity and can create a barrier to men reporting domestic abuse.
- Domestic abuse is not limited to physical attacks. Men can be the victims of economic, emotional, psychological and sexual abuse within domestic settings.
Men can't be victims of sexual abuse within a relationship.
The truth is...
Male victims of domestic abuse can and do experience sexual abuse within their relationships. A 2019 report found that male victims of domestic abuse who experience sexual abuse report:
- Being coerced into using objects or using objects on him during sex, against his wishes
- Being coerced and pressured to perform sexual acts that he does not want; or to have unsafe sex
- Sexual behaviour being mocked in front of others
- Threatening consequences unless he participates in sex
- Being coerced to participate in sexual activities with others against his will
Myths about LGBTQ+ relationships and abuse
Domestic abuse does not or cannot happen in same-sex relationships.
The truth is...
- Domestic abuse can occur in any relationship – regardless of gender or sexuality.
- Around 25% of the LGBTQ+ community will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. Domestic abuse in the LGBTQ+ community is hugely under-reported so this figure is likely to be higher in reality.
Domestic Abuse is ‘not as bad’ in LGBTQ+ relationships
The truth is...
- Same-sex or LGBTQ+ partners are capable of perpetrating the same levels of abuse as heterosexual or cis partners.
- Domestic abuse is centred around unequal power dynamics, and a desire by the perpetrator to control the victim – this is regardless of the gender or sexuality of the perpetrator or the victim.
- This myth feeds into stereotypes around traditional gender roles and creates barriers for LGBTQ+ people in disclosing abuse.
Myths about young people and domestic abuse
Young people don't experience domestic abuse, they just argue.
The truth is...
- Domestic abuse can happen in any relationship.
It isn't really abuse if it's in a relationship between young people.
The truth is...
- Young people can also experience physical, sexual, emotional, psychological or economic abuse as part of their relationships. However, young people may not have the experience or knowledge of how to identify abuse.
- Some caregivers, teachers and other adults who interact with under 25s do not take young people's relationships seriously meaning that some abusive behaviour can be overlooked or ignored.
- Abuse in young people's relationships can escalate much quicker than in relationships between older adults.
Myths about domestic abuse and ethnic minority communities
If you're not a British Citizen you can't get support.
The truth is...
- Everyone living in the UK has the right to live free from abuse. Regardless of your culture, faith, nationality or community, if you are experiencing domestic abuse, and this includes so called ‘honour based violence’ or forced marriage, you are a victim of a crime.
- Support is available to you from GDASS. GDASS work closely with other agencies who can help guide you through your choices regarding your immigration status, while we can support you around issues relating to the domestic abuse you are experiencing.
Domestic abuse doesn't happen as often within ethnic minority communities
The truth is...
Domestic abuse occurs within ethnic minority communities. When we think about abuse, we often think of physical abuse, however domestic abuse can also be emotional, psychological, sexual and economic abuse. It may include threats of harm, and does not always involve actual physical violence.
People experiencing domestic abuse from minority ethnic communities face additional forms of abuse including:
- Threats of deportation
- ‘Honour’ based violence
- Multiple abusers – 50% of BME women victims of violence experience abuse from multiple perpetrators (Thiara & Roy, 2010 in Imkaan & EVAW, 2020)
- Excessive restrictions of freedom
- Family or partners insisting on attending all appointments
- Denial of access to the telephone, internet, or passport/key documentation
- Financial dependence due to no recourse to public funds
GDASS supports all victims of domestic abuse. Please contact us, even if you are unsure if you are experiencing domestic abuse.
Nobody will believe me as I'm not British.
The truth is...
Domestic abuse affects people across all cultures, nationalities, faith groups and communities. Regardless of your nationality, culture or faith, if you are the victim of domestic abuse, support is available.
We know that some of the following things can make it harder for people from minority ethnic communities to come forward about domestic abuse:
- Uncertainty about the UK legal system or support available
- Fear of dishonouring the family and community
- Shame and fear of rejection at a community level
- Fear of detention and deportation from the UK
The only way to get support is if I talk to the Police.
The truth is...
GDASS can support you regardless of whether you have reported the abuse to the Police.
Men can't be victims of ‘honour’ based violence or forced marriage.
The truth is...
There are many examples of men who have experienced ‘honour’ based violence, or who have been forced to marry someone against their own choice. This is a crime that happens to both men and women.
It can be harder for men experiencing this type of abuse to seek support, as they may not be aware that they can be a victim of this as a man or know that support is out there for men as well as women.
